I just pynch a tree in the face
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
