not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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