sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
