Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
