Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
