It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
