You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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