I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
