P.S. I can't hear my feet
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
