I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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