She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
