Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
