My sheets look like a crime scene.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
