I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
