Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
why do cheetos always look like penises
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
