sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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