Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
