Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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