it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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