I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
