First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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