fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
