I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
