Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
