How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
