Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
