I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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