I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
