Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
