We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
