just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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