Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
