3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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