I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
