Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
