Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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