got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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