just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
