how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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