I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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