your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
