I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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