How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
