can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
