Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Randomize
