Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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