Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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