you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
