And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
