My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
